I've read Rilke's letters recently, and among many wonderful thoughts and insights one particular thing struck me deeply to the heart. In his early twenties, Rilke was so worried about the future that he was wondering if he was able 'to make things out of fear '. This phrase crystalizes my experience, this is exactly what I'm doing most of my life - making things out of fear, because I have so much of it. I've faced poverty and violence from my early childhood. I know what the words 'starvation' and 'homeless' actually mean. And as I know it very well, I'm really afraid of it.
I always try to keep myself together and do my best in life and art. It looks like I have had enough bad experiences to get used to it, but every time something happens to me again and I can't pay my rent/insurance/food, I feel how this deep devastating fear strangles me tighter. It paralyses me, tortures me, slowly kills me. In desperate moments like this, I only hope that I'm still able 'to make things out of fear'.